


Hey, Coz!

by Soncasong



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Attempted love confessions, Eavesdropping, Gossip, M/M, Oblivious, everyone else gets mentioned - Freeform, himbo supreme, some minor achilles/patroclus and orpheus/eurydice, tagged characters have dialogue, zagreus is dense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27350758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soncasong/pseuds/Soncasong
Summary: Five times Zagreus encountered Hermes in the underworld, and one time he met the god of swiftness above the realm of the dead.
Relationships: Charon/Hermes (Hades Video Game), Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 488





	Hey, Coz!

The impatient underworld prince fidgeted restlessly as the bony raft ferried him to the next fiery chamber of Asphodel. This was but one of his many attempts at escape, which had seen him finally reaching the surface a few tries ago only to be unceremoniously sent back to the House of Hades by his own father. Familial care was expressed strangely amongst the gods.

Zagreus had a sinking feeling this attempt would soon be brought to its own untimely conclusion. His death defiances were gone and he had yet to face the Lernean Hydra. Meg had given him a thorough thrashing, coupled with an unfortunate run-in with that blasted witches’ circle depleting whatever was left of the sparsely-defended prince’s measly health. He was so close. Perhaps if he collected a tad more darkness to fuel the mirror of Nyx further, borrow more power from night incarnate, then his escapes may become more consistent.

Although their manifold peculiarities often unnerved Zagreus, the underworld prince was nevertheless thankful for the continued aid of his relatives. He wondered if he could really join them on Olympus after finding his mother, even with all the mysteries surrounding her. Persephone. The name was strange on his lips, foreign, but a part of him yearned to put a face to name. Persephone. 

The barge promptly arrived at the next chamber. The gentle sound of trickling water filled his ears. Praise the gods. The underworld prince took a moment to congratulate himself for having the foresight to commission these fountains from the House Contractor, even if the gems may have been better spent on a poster of Achilles for his room. Zagreus eagerly pocketed the ambrosia from the center before taking a quick sip from the fountain’s springwater, feeling his wounds heal and his body surge with energy. Perhaps the fountain was a worthwhile investment after all, despite the present lack of Achilles in his personal quarters.

Maybe he will make it a little farther than he originally thought. The pilfered bottle jangled merrily in his burgeoning pockets. This particular bottle would be an excellent gift for Achilles. The man deserved to be treated well. Zagreus chuckled fondly, remembering the sting of his recent rejection. He could still spoil Achilles, even if the other man saw him as nothing but a platonic friend. 

He was busy psyching himself up for the next infernal encounter when a familiar voice made itself known to the underworld prince’s eavesdropping ears.

“Sorry about the flooding, boss, Lord Hades has a lot on his plate at the moment and Asphodel isn’t really what it used to be anymore, but I’ve been hearing from the other shades that they don’t really mind it at all, the heat is toasty and all that, you know? Anyway, enjoy your stay, have a good day, or night, you can never really tell around these parts.”

Zagreus’ penchant for gossip compelled him to pop his head around the corner, “Lord Hermes?”

The swift-footed god greeted his brethren with a wave, his smile as radiant as the afterimages he left with his blessings for the underworld prince. Was this what the presence of an Olympian was like? It was a warm kind of oppressiveness, both similar and different to his father’s aura. Such things must run in the family.

“Hello, coz, how are you doing? Got awfully close last time to the surface, huh? You look even better in person, hope my blessings are working out for you, even if they aren’t nearly as flashy as our relatives’. Say, why don’t I save us both some time and give you a boon right now?”

Zagreus chuckled, his mind racing as the god’s words ran laps around his brain, “Thank you for your kindness, sir, your blessings have been a great help in my attempts to get out of here. But I have to ask, why are you in my father’s realm? I thought you Olympians have limited influence below the earth.”

Hermes was already prepared to bestow his power on Zagreus, hand placed on his bare shoulder. An electric jolt passed through the godling’s entire being. The muscles of his legs sang with a newfound divinity. 

Silver tongued Hermes stepped back and admired his handiwork, “Well, I’m a bit of a special case, boss. See, sometimes there are so many mortals dying all at once up there that Thanatos needs a little bit of help getting them all where they need to be when they need to be, and since there’s some kind of plague going on upstairs, you know how Apollo can get, your friend and I have been very, very busy! My, ah, professional associate has also pulled a few favors, and who am I to refuse such a special request?”

Not one to waste a moment of precious time, the god had already begun his ascent from the realm of the dead, his body shining with divine power, “And there it is, another mortal for me to guide down under the earth, I’ll be seeing you, coz! I’ve got a good feeling about this attempt, boss, just keep pushing forward. Send Charon my regards!”

And he was gone. Zagreus stared dumbfounded at the spot where the god used to be. After a few minutes of processing, the underworld prince concluded that, with his free boon and his newly restored health, perhaps Hermes’ gut feeling truly was an omen for his impending success. He watched as the newly dead shade faded into the shadows, joining the multitudinous throngs lining the fiery fields of Asphodel. 

Well, onward. The Lernean Hydra awaited. 

* * *

Zagreus heaved another burdensome sigh, trekking through Asphodel yet again for what, to his poorly developed sense of time, felt like his hundredth attempt at escape. According to the fire-footed prince’s newly commissioned scrying pool, this was only attempt number thirty-six, but that fact brought little comfort to his growing sense of monotony. Perhaps this was what mortals felt like as they aged. 

He had bested his father, met his mother, and died unceremoniously as the Styx claimed him in its bloody grasp. He had to see her again, especially since his father had pushed the narrative that his purported victory was a mere flight of his fancy. Zagreus would best him, again and again if he must. 

But first, a quick pit stop. By his feeble attempts to predict the contents of the ever changing chambers of the underworld, Eurydice’s abode should be the next to appear, and the promise of a warm meal and a soothing song was doubtlessly tempting to the gluttonous prince’s bottomless stomach. 

He waited on the bone raft as the carefree nymph’s homely island approached, but the familiar sound of her music never came. That was strange, Eurydice was always singing. Zagreus dashed to her chamber as quickly as he could, the edge of fear creeping in his chest. Orpheus would be devastated if something were to happen to the nymph. 

“Lord Hermes, you know you don’t have to keep checking up on me like this, right? I’m perfectly fine here on my own.”

“I know! But you know I can’t resist the opportunity to sample a little bit more of your cooking, Miss Eurydice. Your ambrosia delight, well, it’s a delight! Brings the boring old stuff we have on Olympus to shame, though don’t let any of my brethren know I said that, please. I’m already in enough trouble with them as is. Plus, I was in the area anyways, and it really has been awhile, hasn’t it?”

The pair turned to face the intruding Zagreus as he dashed in. Hermes nodded his greeting, oak-skinned Eurydice rolling her eyes fondly at her new unannounced visitor and returning her attention to the contents of her boiling cauldrons. 

“Hey coz!”

“Hi, hon.”

Once again, the oft-nicknamed underworld prince was baffled by his many acquaintances’ refusal to address him by his name. He made the conscious decision to believe that they sprang from a place of affection. 

“Lord Hermes, you’re down here again, sir?” Zagreus asked, “Is something the matter up above?”

Hermes laughed, a hearty sound that reminded Zagreus of his own patering footsteps, “No, boss, nothing really going on up there, if you don’t count the eternal winter and deadly famine and grueling war, of course. Nope, was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d visit dear old Eurydice here for a quick chat, is all.”

“More like stopping by for a free meal,” Eurydice quipped from her spot by the stove. She spooned up a tantalizing portion of food on a plate and handed it to Hermes. “What about you, hon? What will it be today?”

“Just some pom porridge, please. Thank you again for your kindness, Eurydice.” Zagreus hungrily devoured the offered plate, the ravenous god of swiftness beside the prince matching him in voracity and ferocity. 

Bemused, the nymph swiftly cuffed the ears of the assembled divinity, fearless of consequence. “Slow down, you two. Seriously, for a bunch of gods, you have terrible table manners.”

The chastened deities mumbled their unison apologies with mouths still stuffed with food, earning both another round of admonishment from the beleaguered dryad. Zagreus allowed himself a moment of respite, soaking in the presence of friendly souls before steeling himself for the journey ahead.

“Wait up, boss!” Hermes called out, “What’s the hurry? Actually, scratch that, I should be encouraging you to hurry, or I’m not doing my job! One of my many jobs, anyhow. Still, let me help you get out of here a little easier, I’m sure Lady Persephone is waiting for you to return, and I wouldn’t want to hold you up here any longer, would I?”

“Uh, thank you, Lord Hermes,” the food-addled prince said with all the grace and diction of a bumbling cyclops, wiping at the pomegranate-stained corner of his still-chewing mouth. 

He felt the familiar rush of power customary of the acceptance of an Olympian boon. The god of swiftness was gone before Zagreus could finish his thoughts, leaving behind the sound of sandals on dry earth and kicking dust. 

“You gods are all so strange,” Eurydice tutted. 

Zagreus cleared his throat, “If you don’t mind me asking, but I was wondering. You and Hermes seem close, did you know him from before?”

“He was the one that delivered me here. Both times,” the dryad said casually, her ghostly fingers bringing a ladle full of her latest concoction to her lips for a taste. “I don’t hold it against him, he was just doing his job. But I guess he feels guilty or something.”

“I didn’t know Olympians could feel guilt,” Zagreus said, “Though I suppose Hermes is a little different from the other Olympians. Or he just really enjoys your cooking.”

Eurydice laughed, “Well, he wouldn’t be the only one, hon.”

Lyrical Eurydice began her lilting song, the melody wafting through the molten fields of Asphodel with the scent of her stewing brews. Zagreus allowed himself to linger in the symphony of sensations. He could understand Orpheus’ devotion to the nymph. Though mortal, she could have been among the ranks of the muses, if the Fates had been kind.

The defiant underworld prince resolved himself to reuniting the hapless lovers, another item on his ever growing list of tasks to be accomplished. After all, he had all the time in the world. 

* * *

The ever verdant fields of Elysium caressed Zagreus’ fiery feet, the grass scorching under the heat of his toes before regrowing anew behind him, fresh and green, as if the prince was never there. Mother had returned, with his wanton ransacking of his Father’s realm being given the official seal of approval. The always-restless prince was thankful for the chance to contribute something, however contrived, to the daily functioning of the realm, even if it often resulted in pain most excruciating. 

The meddling Zagreus had been occupied, anyhow, with the fulfillment of various requests from those denizens of the Underworld he had managed to befriend. The former king Sisyphus had recently received respite from his eternal suffering, and the underworld prince was now concerning himself with Eurydice and Orpheus’ predicament while amassing funds to decorate the lounge to the gorgon Dusa’s liking. Somehow, the once-listless prince was more preoccupied than he’d ever been in his relatively brief eternal life. 

This security check had been going particularly well, in no small thanks to sullen Patroclus’ timely appearance a few chambers earlier. Theseus and Asterius beware. 

The familiar tolling of bells, accompanied by an ominous flash of emerald light, alerted Zagreus to the start of yet another bout of friendly competition. He readied Coronacht. The bow sang in his grip in restless anticipation.

Thanatos manifested, his presence pumping blood to the violence-loving prince’s muscles, and other, more intimate extremities. Zagreus took a moment to admire death incarnate’s musculature, greeting the moodily handsome god with a crooked smile he hoped was charming, before tensing his muscles for another bloody encounter with Elysium’s exalted.

Instead of spears and bows, however, Zagreus was greeted with the increasingly familiar cadence of the god of swiftness’ ever-running mouth. 

“So I told her, well, maybe if you weren’t sneaking around with Ares behind his back, Hephaestus wouldn’t have devised such a plan and you might’ve saved yourself some humiliation. And then she slapped me! And invited me to her bed! Of course, this was before the big boatman and I–Oh, hello, coz!”

Zagreus greeted his friends, “Hello Lord Hermes. Than. Funny running into the two of you here.”

Dour Thanatos sighed with the tiredness of one resignedly accustomed to getting his eardrums prattled off by blabber-mouthed gods. “Greetings, Zag. You’ve managed to make it here quite fast.”

The prince gave the current object of his affections a brilliant grin, “It’s all thanks to the help of people like you and Lord Hermes, Than. Well, shall we get started?

Death incarnate glanced accusingly at the lord of messengers beside him, who simply flashed Zagreus a quick thumbs up, “Already took care of that for you, boss! See, you’re not the only one who likes to make a quick wager every now and then, and if it’s helping you get out of here a little faster, well, that’s all good to me!”

Zagreus attempted to thank Hermes, but the quick-tongued god simply continued his staccato monologue, “Was just telling Thanatos about a little bit of gossip up on Olympus, they’re all eagerly awaiting the day you’ll arrive to join them, you know. Of course, we both know that’s something that will never happen, what with your new job down here and the little inconvenience of the Styx’s hold on your soul.” The god leaned in conspiratorially, “Don’t worry, I won’t breathe a word about the Queen to any of them, god’s honor. I’m quite good at keeping secrets, you know, even if my mouth can run faster than my feet.”

Zagreus laughed, nodding as Hermes continued his rambling. The god offered him another boon, Zagreus unable to refuse such an act of altruism, before flitting away with regards to the residents of the house. The prince found himself alone with the man of his hypothetical dreams, if he had the need for sleep.

“Lord Hermes is really something else, huh Than,” Zagreus said, an inept attempt at striking up a casual conversation.

Thanatos nodded, “The two of us have always been cordial, though I do admit his incessant blabbering could be trying sometimes.”

The two deities regarded each other in fumblingly awkward silence. Zagreus quickly reached into his cloak for the bottle of nectar he’d been saving for Thanatos, but the movement only served to startle the god.

“Well, I suppose I must go. Death waits for no one, not even death himself.”

“Than, wait!”

But he was gone. The gift-giving prince chastised himself for yet another unsuccessful attempt at garnering death’s affection. It was moments like this that made him think romance was almost as challenging as escaping his Father’s realm. Almost. Zagreus picked up Coronacht, the bloodthirsty bow quivering in his grasp. Right, there will be another day, or night, for him to try again. Perks of eternity, he supposed. 

* * *

The underworld prince was in the midst of conversation with the exalted shade of Achilles over a discreet bottle of nectar when the messenger of the gods announced himself in a flutter of feathers and cloth. The companions regarded each other. They had just been discussing the details of Achilles’ separation from his beloved, Zagreus mulling over his options to reunite the heroes. Probably the same process as what he had done for Sisyphus and Orpheus. Procure the contract with the assistance of Nyx, and pay the house contractor a few diamonds. Should not be too complicated. 

“Perhaps we should save this discussion for another time, lad,” Achilles said softly. Zagreus nodded. The shade had a post to man, after all, and he could not afford to appear sloppy while the House entertained a guest from Olympus itself. 

As Achilles retreated, Zagreus found himself wedged between Dusa, Megaera, and a visiting Thanatos in the entryway he commissioned to avoid the ire of his caustic father. The affection-hoarding prince found himself not exactly minding the physical contact. 

“Hello, Lord Hades, Lady Persephone, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it? You both look well, exceedingly well, I hope I’m not intruding on anything, was just in the neighborhood for some other business and realized I had some messages for you all, although you must be pretty used to my meddling, aren’t you? I’m here with–”

“Get on with it already!” came the lord of the underworld’s deep baritone. Zagreus was, admittedly, a bit amused, witnessing the ire oft directed at him now channeled into someone else. Even if Hermes had been a helpful presence in his life. 

“Hades, please, let the boy say his piece,” Persephone said, the gracious queen quick to temper Hades’ less personable edges. 

Hermes continued prattling on, unfazed, “As I was saying, got a message for you from Olympus, boss.  _ Why don’t you come up to Olympus sometimes? You really ought to get out of the house more, you’re a grown god. All that darkness must be awfully terrible for your complexion.  _ From, Zeus. Well, that’s it, would you like to say anything to the chaps up top, boss?”

Hades sighed, long and disgruntled. His gaze trailed across the hall. The congregation of gossip-loving House residents quickly scattered with a collective yelp, taking up various stiff positions around the lounge in an effort to appear natural. The beleaguered underworld lord allowed himself a few seconds of focused glaring before addressing his unwanted divine visitor.

“I thought my refusal to answer the previous messages would have been enough indication of my willingness to meet their unreasonable demands. My answer is the same.”

Hermes nodded, “Of course, big boss, of course. Well then, I’ll be off now, I’ve got places to be, people to meet, souls to collect, you know the gist. If you ever change your mind, well, you know who to ask, right? Nice meeting you, big boss!”

“Thank you for visiting, Hermes,” the queen said gracefully, “And thank you for waiting a little longer for us to...prepare ourselves.”

Hermes chuckled, “Well, you can trust me with a secret, coz, even if I have to wait! Just so you know, though, I don’t wait for just anyone, this is a very special favor I’m doing for a very special associate, after all. Well, take care now!”

The god turned and nodded at the assembled beings in the lounge before dashing off once more to parts unknown. Zagreus sighed and slid off his spot on the seldom-used cushions, joining the others at the lounge’s bar. Thankfully, his lord father seemed too preoccupied with more pressing matters to admonish the eavesdropping transgressions committed by the various members of the House.

“It’s been awhile since he visited,” Megaera muttered.

“Do you think they, I don’t know, know something?” Dusa hissed nervously, “Up on Olympus, like, about the queen?

Thanatos shook his head, “No, I don’t think so. This appears to just be another jest at Lord Hades’ behest, as Olympus does on occasion.”

Curiosity piqued, the gossip-loving prince presses his companions for further tidbits of information, “Has Lord Hermes visited the House before?”

“Occasionally,” Thanatos replied, “If memory serves me right, last he was here you were out on another one of your, hmm, unsanctioned security checks.”

The shameless Zagreus, for once, felt his face heating up with bashful embarrassment, “They’re sanctioned now, Than. Was that visit similar to this one?”

Megaera nodded, “Just a message from Olympus for Lord Hades to come visit. I don’t think they realize…”

“My children.”   
  


The assembled underworld denizens snapped to attention at the presence of their brood mother, blood or otherwise. Night incarnate regarded them with an exasperated affection worn with time, easy fondness radiating from her presence.“I know you are all curious, especially with such a rare occurrence. But Lord Hades, well, I have a feeling he’s not too pleased with your eavesdropping.”

Thanatos nodded, “I must be on my way, anyhow. The mortals are waiting.”

“The rafters look really dirty!” Dusa yelped, “Gotta go!”

A flash of green and a hiss later, only the eldest of the furies and the love-lorn prince remained seated at the infernal bar. Zagreus closed his eyes, berating himself for yet another missed opportunity. 

“Come on, Zag, we should get back to our posts too.”

Zagreus hopped off the stool, the bottle of ungifted ambrosia clasped in his hand. Megaera raised an eyebrow before attempting to offer her own particular brand of pseudo-comfort. “You’ll get another chance, I’m sure. You’re nothing if not stubborn.”

“I sure hope so, Meg.”

* * *

There was a spring to prince Zagreus’ fiery footfalls as he dashed through the echoing halls of Tartarus, the beginnings of another of his now routine security surveys. Everything seemed to be in order; Thanatos had returned his affections, Nyx could now visit Chaos, and Achilles was reunited with Patroclus. For the first time in a long time, the favor-doling prince could feel as if there were no longer that many problems plaguing the underworld. 

Even his duels with his father have turned into the sort of friendly competition he had grown so fond of with Asterius, father and son bonding in a bloody, violent way only achievable by those untethered by mortality. It was, perhaps, not a bad way to spend eternity. 

There was still the problem of the other side of the family, but that was something the ever-optimistic prince could ruminate about on another day, or night. 

The barge took him to the next chamber, a shop of Charon. Obstinate Zagreus was planning to rob the ferryman blind again, hoping for a rematch after his last attempt to best taciturn Charon ended in a hasty and ignoble trip back to the House of Hades. He was prepared, this time. Lady Demeter’s blessing was sure to chill the infernal fiend to the core of his smoking bones. 

Zagreus was approaching the abode of the gold hoarding oarsman when a familiar quick-tongued voice caused him to pause in his tracks. 

“For me? Really, Charon, you really didn’t have to! That’s quite the stash of obols you’ve got this time, you sure you want to give it all to me? Really? Thank you. Guess the coz is really spending something fierce for your wares, isn’t he? As he should, I know you only have the best up for purchase here.”

The tea-spilling prince ducked behind a set of vases, controlling his untamable desire to smash them into smithereens. He had heard Hermes refer to Charon as his “professional associate” before, but had never witnessed the two of them interact. With Charon the way he was, the boatman was the perfect secret keeper for the juiciest of Olympian secrets, and Hermes was bound to be full of them.

“You know, my father brought a boy up to Olympus the other day, Ganymede’s his name, and made him our cupbearer right in front of Queen Hera. My, you would not believe the fit she threw, everyone was running for cover, it was such a farce! My brethren say they’re so gracious and fair, but–what was that?”

Conspicuous Zagreus quickly ducked behind his ceramic barricade, cursing the ever-glowing laurel nestled in his hair. He would just have to content himself with listening to the god. 

“Huh, my eyes must be playing tricks on me. Strange things, they are, eyes, even if mine are divine. You know, Charon, I really appreciate this, as I appreciate all your gifts. I promise I’ll bring you something even more delightful next we meet. I really wish I could stay just a bit longer, but alas, there’s always work to be done.”

A chuckle, followed by the ghastly hum particular to the infernal boatman. There was a strange silence, pulling at nosy Zagreus’ curiosity and almost causing him to peek above his kiln-fired sanctuary and destroying his improvised cover. Only a patience painfully uncharacteristic allowed the prince to remain concealed as the one-sided conversation continued.

“Yes, I appreciate your company greatly as well. I’ve really got to go now, urgent message from Olympus to, well, Olympus, I suppose. You don’t know how many hoops I had to sprint through to justify this little detour, but I’m glad I took the time to visit you, Charon. Hopefully we won’t have to wait as long for our next meeting, you know how much I hate waiting.”

There was another hum and the rustle of robes. Zagreus fidgeted behind his earthen cover, hopelessly yearning for a singular peak, but the prince’s oft-ignored wisdom reared its head and forced him to stay out of sight of the two deities. 

“Well, I’ll be seeing you Charon. Tell the coz I said hi, I might have made a little wager with him, just a small little bet, should keep you on your toes.”

Laughter again, then the familiar sound of pattering feet, signaling the departure of the god of swiftness. 

Stealthy Zagreus finally emerged from his hiding spot, greeting the boatman with his usual politeness. Charon simply nodded and motioned to his wares. There was no sack of gold to pilfer, unfortunately, so the sticky-fingered prince simply picked up a centaur heart. His lack of impulse control, however, almost became his undoing.

“So, have you heard from Hermes lately, Charon?”

The cheeky prince barely had the time to dodge the hefty swing of the Stygian boatman’s oar. He quickly dashed out of the chamber, lest his life be forfeit to Charon yet again. There would be ample opportunity for another real challenge soon enough, though whether his luck would be better was up to the will of the gods. 

* * *

The cold, crisp winter of the surface world enveloped prince Zagreus as he watched his Lord Father be claimed by the bloody Styx yet again. The announcement of Mother’s whereabouts to the Olympians had resulted in stiff, almost accusatory messages accompanying his boons, but the divine family were still providing their blessings to Zagreus’ security checks, something he was immensely grateful for. He never would have made it out of Tartarus otherwise. 

He suspected Father was thankful for the distraction their duels provided as he attempted to sort through this particular Olympian fiasco. The slowly-wizening prince allowed himself a moment of calm above ground before setting off for what was guaranteed to be another demise most ignoble and humiliating. 

He was interrupted, however, by the sound of sandaled feet and a familiar orange glow as the god of swiftness made his presence known to the prince once again, his always-mirthful eyes for once dulled with something akin to dread. 

“Lord Hermes?” the prince asked, “What are you doing here?”

“No time to explain, coz, just that I have to lie low for...an indefinite amount of time. You see, the guys upstairs weren’t too happy when they found out about your mother, and then they discovered my particular brand of intervention, and, well, let’s just say Olympus is no longer so welcoming of my presence. For the time being.”

“I’m sorry to hear about that, sir, and even more sorry that this was a result of your involvement with my situation.” Ever helpful, the aid-offering prince added, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

The god chuckled, “Don’t worry too much about it, coz, I always have a plan beta, and a plan gamma, delta, epsilon, all the way to omega. But I do appreciate the sentiment. Why don’t you join me for the trip back, instead of returning the customary way? Surely it’ll be much more pleasant.”

“Of course, sir,” Zagreus said, “But how will we be returning to my Father’s realm?”

The light-footed god pulled a small purple piece of parchment out of his well-travelled leather bag, “I wouldn’t be much of a professional associate if I didn’t have Charon’s calling card, would I?”

There was a low, droning hum, and the underworld prince watched in awe as the river boatman materialized on the bank of the lake encircling the favored battlefield of him and his father. The infernal Charon let out a strangled groan. 

“Hello to you too, Charon. Yes, I’m fine, got out before the worst of the lightning could find my rear. Father’s bolts may be fast, but I’m faster.”

Distant rumbling answered the messenger god’s quip, as if the Lord of the Heavens could listen in and was indignant at the insinuation. Hermes giggled, “I’d say that’s our cue to get out of here.” He leaned up and gave the ferryman a peck on the cheek before settling into the barge. 

That was...unexpected. The dumbfounded underworld prince stood in the clearing, mouth hanging open, unabashedly gaping at Hermes and his professional associate. Hermes and Charon, Charon and Hermes? He supposed a bit of it made sense, since the two were so connected through their work. It was the same with him and Thanatos, to a certain extent. 

“Coz? You coming? We don’t really have time to wait around, you know, and I’m not just saying that because I’m the god of going fast.”

“Sorry about that,” Zagreus laughed, hopping onto the barge. The river boatman pushed them away from the shore and began rowing, Hermes curled at his feet.

The melancholy underworld prince allowed Hermes’ staccato speech, punctuated occasionally by Charon’s contented hums, to lull him into a sense of peace. Surprising as this discovery was, Zagreus found himself glad that his companions felt comfortable enough to be openly affectionate in his presence. Or they did not care much, but Zagreus much preferred the previous explanation. The boatman did give him a few strange glances on occasion, but the obstinate prince decided to not dwell into them with much exertion. 

The self-aggrandizing prince wondered what other secrets his chthonic companions held, even if his bonds with the denizens of the underworld have been forged to their uppermost limits. Well, eternity was forever, and there would be plenty of time to bond with his friends even more. 

They arrived at the dock to the opulent House of Hades, Zagreus hopping off with practiced agility. He waited for his companions to disembark, but Hermes and Charon stayed rooted to their watery vessel.

“Are you not coming in, Lord Hermes?”

The god shook his winged head, “Maybe later, coz, I’ve got some, ah, catching up to do with my professional associate here. It’s quite rare that we have this much time together, you see, and I’d like to spend as much of it with him as possible.”

Smoky Charon’s agreement rumbled deep in his chest, eliciting a happy flush from the brisk-lipped god of swiftness. Hermes chuckled, “Yes, my big boatman, we do have much catching up to do. Do send your folks my regards, coz, and see you around, yes?”

Zagreus smiled, “See you around, sir. And have fun, you two.”

“We sure will!”

**Author's Note:**

> And then they fucked.
> 
> This was a great exercise in trying to imitate another style of narration, here's hoping I did it some justice. Apologies to my beta [pantu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pantu) for suffering through the admittedly verbose Hades-style narration.


End file.
